A LITTLE MORE Personal

I find myself daily, waking up, getting ready doing the research taking the time to make the phone calls to be informed only to get dismissed because apparently showing up informed comes off as rude and inappropriate. if I don’t show up in informed, then no one will help me at all and I just get gaslight. I spend a lot of time processing and trying to figure out the sequence of events that led me to this intersection in my t I’ve learned not to internalize other people’s behaviors/ words . I’m alignment and practicing alignment, which is very helpful with identifying the truth or substance to negative interactions that use to really hurt my feelings.

I wish it was as easy as “ I know the truth so I wont let it bother me” Why do I spend so much time trying to prove that I am lovable or that I’m capable or that I’m smart enough I think that before it was a false sense of if I could prove that I’m able to keep up with everybody then maybe I could rewrite what’s gotten me this far but the reality is that’s not going ever happen. Almost all of the people in my life never wanted to see me inside of the box that they assigned to me. I then started to paint myself into this fake world where I was spending so much time trying to be what I needed to be instead of really being who I wanted to be. Never having opinions or knowing anything or caring about politics or current events or anything that would be any depth. I chose to rely on my career as a hairdresser to become my identity, but also to devalue my self by keeping everything superficial and I really think that I stunted myself.

When my mom died I got a sense of urgency and realized that there’s not always a tomorrow and who really cares because the people that I thought would be there at the end weren’t. PERIOD. I spent so much time trying to be the perfect partner who didn’t know how to love me back. To try to make myself smaller in my family so i wasn’t unapproachable or arrogant in their eyes. I spent years trying to shrink to make people happy only for it to blow up my face.

I remember once asking my mom “I asked her where does the love go when you stop seeing somebody and it’s over?” and she paused. took a couple days and she came back with the heat and truth that made her, her- she told me “ If i wasn’t able to be by myself and be able to really sit in silence with myself then no one would genuinely ever want to be with me” I didn’t get the depth of that comment until recently and it’s so funny because parents always say when their gone we will hear their voice, and I hear her voice all the time. I can see my growth in moments when i experience trauma or bad interactions even betrayal that would have sent me into a downwards spiral. I’m able to see the lesson in things and see the growth that comes behind the lesson and learning that my way of navigating to the world now and the way that I move isn’t fair based it isn’t deflection or isolation. It’s really my learn behavior from experiencing trauma and PTSD consistently that has made me cautious and aware of certain things and I’m very protective of who I let in when where and boundaries.

Boundaries were a huge thing cause I never had them my whole life with anyone especially my mom and now when I’ve established boundaries with people they don’t understand and then I’ve changed. Everything in my life has changed anything that was normal and safe and familiar was ripped at me all at once and everyone walked away and I had to put things back together the best the way I knew how to and I realize that I was a little kid playing an adult role for a really long time. I had true unconditional, love and support i crave and miss without her most. It really influence my vision on the world or my vision of myself.

I hate that we live in a society where things are so black-and-white and people‘s ideas of success are measured in metrics and not by the amount of work they’re doing in the background or who they are now is only about who they were before. And that people will associate a type of behavior with drugs or alcohol, and identify that to a whole group of people.They are unable to see the way they look down and on addicts. Everyone has a unhealthy addition but if theirs is acceptable in society, but are really Wquick to judge ridicule/embarrass anyone that doesn’t succumb to the standards of what people want them to do. I’ve learned most people are usually going to be there for the good times but they’re never around for the bad.

A couple quotes that really helped me in some dark moments are

“ How could you expect a person that broke you to put you back together and why would you want them to do it?”

I think that one was important for me because I realize that really putting your whole self-worth into someone’s opinion of you and stunting your growth and your capabilities to shrink for somebody isn’t love. That people should be loved for their flaws on all the other one is.

“ you don’thave to hold onto the pain to hold onto the memory.”

I think that that was a really big one for me one because I had heard it so many times because of course Miss Jackson was the originator of that and so I grew up hearing the interlude of her saying that on the VELVET ROPE album, but also I realize that forgiving someone doesn’t mean accepting their behavior. It means releasing the hatred or they pull it has over me.

With all of the things that I’ve been going on with me and the way that I’ve been able to departmentalize and keep going it’s wild to me when I’ve gotten the medical reports and read about things like my severe opiate addiction which I’ve never had. I’ve definitely been in uppers. I’ve definitely had an alcohol problem opiate not my thing don’t own them never going to. Don’t need to add something to my rap sheet that I didn’t do.To read from a licensed clinical therapist that I was a grinder slut and use sex as my main copy mechanism or the list of other things that were such low blows, and I know they were said because they didn’t think that I would ever see them and they were mainly for billing, but if we dissect that for a second, if you are writing in an assessment for someone that they are using a drug thats going to factor their ability to keep survive in the future. Maybe you they should do some lab work before to see if it was ever in my system. Maybe you shouldn’t keep that going for four years or maybe you should’ve brought it up to me. Not one person on my mental team for the four years I was with them had ever brought up a drug treatment program or me using or their knowledge of me using because they had labs ran out on me every time we’re still hospital without my knowledge.

When I was going through two break up right after my mom, one was a friend situation the other was a relationship that I invested so much of myself in. The sad realities of the complexities of how addiction and codependency quickly form trauma bonds can really make a short span of time so impactful. Changing one and ultimately be the beginning of the end for the other person. It’s really shitty that during that time, not only did both of the parents of both of them bring me in close because they knew I was missing the family unit but very quickly turn on me. It’s like one day you’re being told that no one‘s ever loved their kid that way, and the next day you’re responsible for their drug addiction and your supplying them and selling them drugs again which never happened.

It’s amazing to me how far people will go when they feel threatened and they feel like they’re gonna be exposed for the things that they have done or said and want to protect their image because that’s all that really matters. It’s just reality that you’re replaceable I had a mentor of mine. Tell me pretty quickly after we met that

” Your your mom is the last person that you’re ever gonna find that’s going to love you unconditionally so you have to change the way that you move in the world because people don’t act the way that you do. “

I personally receive information better with brutal honesty, and I love her so much for the fact that she just gave it to me real raw and she was right. Everything in life to a point is super transactional.Even opening the door for someone makes you feel good and that’s why you did it. It doesn’t always have to be incentivize with money, but when I realize that everyone on my team everyone that was there to support me or care about me was getting paid that was one thing, but when I realized that they were lying and gaslighting me about funding and support and grants and timelines and leases in amounts of care and notices and everything and a questioned it then the narrative became I was having a manic psychotic break induced by drugs. I was threatening to staff. I was violent, but who wouldn’t say all those things about someone when I gave them the truth because I was completely honest in my assessment so they had to fucking blueprint to my past and all my bad decisions, the sick part is being a medical professional , and using lies leverage to break someone down is sick to me.

Just for today- I know that lies people have made up about aren’t me so they cant effect me. I know that even my worst decisions are not who i am. I hold space now for not knowing how to navigate relationships that failed before because i didnt have the skills to do so. I now understand myself and how my movements can hurt people. i don’t want to be who i was cause i could never unsee what i’ve seen.

I KNOW that even right now i am where i need to be in my life because its teaching me lessons .